STOP Confusing Your Pain with Your Purpose

I’m going to tell you a secret that the world’s most committed, high-achieving people whisper to me, usually in the quiet corners after the lights go down at a conference.

It's a pattern I see in every industry, every corner office, and every competitive field: We have been taught that if we are not suffering, we are not performing. 

We believe pain equals effort.

We’re running an insidious, subconscious rule in the background of our lives: If I’m not beating myself up over this problem, then I don't care as much as I should, and therefore, my performance will suffer.

This is the lie that’s draining your cognitive energy, crippling your ability to execute, and breaking your sustainability. It’s time to stop confusing the depth of your care with the depth of your pain. Your pain is a tax on your performance.

The WHY: Caring and Suffering Are Not the Fuel for Performance

For many of us, the pain, the anger, and the self-punishment are not a source of power—they are a replacement for it. They are a clumsy, ineffective way to prove our heart’s in the game. But what if I told you that the moment you drop the suffering is the moment your real, sustainable impact and peak execution begin?

Let’s look at the three cognitive traps—the three self-defeating patterns that keep high-performers stuck in a cycle of emotional debt instead of action.

Pattern 1: The Anger That Consumes Your Focus (The Legacy Trap)

I spoke with a brilliant young professional who was devastated when a program they poured years into was abruptly shut down. They were drowning in anger. Why? Because they believed: "My anger is the only thing keeping that work meaningful. If I stop being angry, it means they were right and the work didn’t matter."

This is a myth!

We continued to talk it through… that anger is a massive cognitive load. It consumes the mental bandwidth you need for complex problem-solving. The legacy of your effort hasn't vanished—it’s moved. It lives in the people you mentored, the systems you optimized, and the skills you sharpened. You’re clinging to anger, which is a reactive state, instead of tapping into the proactive energy of what actually is your lasting influence from that program.

The challenge I gave them: Keep the care, but make the suffering finite. Give your grief an appointment—a second Thursday of the month at 4pm. Feel it fully, honor it, and then close the tab and return to the work that’s alive and executable in front of you. Letting go of anger isn’t the same as forgetting. That is disciplined energy management. 

Pattern 2: The Betrayal of a Better Self (The Resilience Trap)

I met a parent sitting in the agonizing spiral of their adult child’s mental health crisis. She felt that to become better, softer, or more patient through this experience would somehow be a betrayal of her child’s suffering.

Her pain was a badge of honor. But when I pressed her on what had changed, she paused, and then she admitted: "I listen more now. I'm gentler. I understand in a way I never did before."

When you become more patient and more resilient, you become a better resource for those who rely on you. You become… better through the suffering of a loved one. Realizing that isn’t disrespectful.

That shift isn't a sign you care less; it’s a sign you’re letting the experience forge you into a stronger, more capable leader for your family and beyond. You’re transcending the pain and becoming the optimized asset your moment requires.

Pattern 3: The Tyranny of a Single Emotion (The Execution Trap)

A third conversation involved someone facing a trifecta of stress: a scary health challenge, loss of routine, and a massive job change. They were understandably terrified.

After a little while, we reached a point they could springboard off of: "I’m ninety percent scared," they told me, "and ten percent curious."

I love that ten percent!

Stop allowing fear to monopolize the steering wheel just because it’s the loudest voice. Fear is paralyzing; curiosity is a catalyst for action. You can feel doomed and still be wrong! You can be mostly scared and still be excited. Both can be true, and either one can steer your day's effort.

Your job is to feed the ten percent—to find that thin thread of excitement and name it without apology. Don't seek false positivity; seek attention for what is still workable and requires action.

The HOW: Install Your Wins, Reclaim Your Performance Energy

So, what do you do once you see these self-punishing patterns hijacking your performance? You don't overhaul your life; you start small and you start repeatable. This is where the magic of re-patterning happens.

After any helpful choice—sending the hard email, stepping outside for five minutes, or even just brushing your teeth when you’re wiped out—you must PAUSE.

Take a breath and let your brain register, "I did that. That was action. That was forward motion."

Neuropsychologists call this "installing" a win. Allow your nervous system to file that moment under "This Matters and This is a Repeatable Success." This is how you rewire your brain to recognize that showing up and executing is the true measure of commitment, not breaking down in emotional exhaustion.

When the punishment quiets, there is more focused attention available for the real work of showing up, listening, and taking the next useful, high-leverage step.

The person who lost their job has not lost their capacity for impact; they have simply shifted the field of play. The parent is not failing by becoming softer; they are becoming the stronger, more resilient anchor their child needs. The leader with the health scare is not weak for feeling fear; they are courageous for making room for curiosity and decisive action beside it.

The Invitation and The Challenge

This is my challenge to you:

1. Keep Caring, but Reclaim Your Focus: Take radical responsibility for where your cognitive energy goes next.

2. Grieve with Discipline: Honor what deserves grief, then stand up straight and decide what today requires of your highest effort.

3. Build Your Legacy in the Small: Notice what is still workable, however small, and execute on it with intention.

This is not denial. This is emotional and mental discipline. This is how you move forward without grinding yourself into dust. And it is how real, lasting legacy gets built: through the consistent, courageous actions you choose long after the crisis moment has passed.

Stop choosing pain to prove your commitment. Start choosing power to fulfill your potential and deliver on your performance.

- Steve